Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for December, 2009

How did you do it?

“I want to know what you did to get from where you were to where you are today.  How did you do it?” That is what a friend of mine asked when we were discussing this blog.

She went on to explain that people always make it sound so simple.  They accomplished something great but they don’t tell you what it took to get there.

It gave me a lot to think about.  Since every person walks their own path, how do I share with you the part in the middle between where I was and where I am today?  It was such a long journey for me.  And, because of my unique perspective on life it was a complicated journey.

In an effort to share with you part of that journey I remembered something I wrote to a friend of mine back in 2002.  I decided to share it here.  Perhaps this is the best place to begin.

My Vision

Recently there seemed to be a dramatic shift in my eyesight so I went to the eye doctor.  The visit provided very interesting details concerning the symptoms.

One cataract appears to be the kind found only in people over 100 years of age.  They take at least 40 years to form.  The color is orange but there seems to be no blood vessel damage to explain it.  The other is more opaque in nature but neither one is the kind one would expect to find related to my history of medication for asthma or the family history of illnesses.

The doctor said that my vision can no longer be improved with glasses and that I would not be able to pass a driver’s test.  My license expires this month.

My first reaction was to get all the vitamins I could find, read all I could and try to make something happen without surgery.

Two days after the diagnosis I was in our little second-hand shop when I picked up a book and opened it to a page that was entitled “eyes” and contained affirmations for healing eyesight.  A woman who practiced science of mind wrote it in the 1920’s.

The result of reading the book was the awareness of my words that created the illness.  Always saying and thinking “I can’t see.”  And the realization that fear has ruled my life.

What this woman said is that our subconscious is the pure power of the universe.  In order for it to bring that power into the physical world it needs direction.  That comes from our words and our thoughts.  The way to change our thought patterns or our mind is through the spoken word; thus the benefit of affirmations in changing our minds.

So I began to spend hours and hours writing and speaking affirmations.  The result is that fear no longer controls my life.  But there seemed to be no significant change in my eyesight.

So I decided to ask Ken for help.  I have difficulty allowing him to help me.  There is some part of me that gets in the way and we seem to be unable to get to the truth.  We worked for about two hours and seemed to be getting nowhere when Ken asked me, “If Jesus were sitting here now would you ask him to heal you?”

Suddenly I became aware of the fact that not only would I not be able to ask I could not even look at Jesus.  It was evident I had to shift my belief about myself as being worthy of receiving help.

I managed to reach the place that I could ask; yet nothing seemed to happen except that my vision shifted from seeing double to seeing triple.

I know I believe God can heal.  It has happened before, but why hasn’t it happened now?  I was angry, felt guilty like maybe I did not have enough faith…so much inner turmoil I could not sort it out.

Once again I asked for help from Ken.  This time it became very evident that the next step for me is to love myself.  I seem to be unable to see the good in myself.  I can see it in others but don’t know how to love me.

This is nothing new.  I have struggled for years with this and thought I had made great progress.  But, when faced with something so threatening as the loss of sight I obviously have serious questions as to my worthiness to receive love.

I have always said that the Bible can be summed up in two verses where Jesus speaks.  He says that we are to love God with all our heart mind and soul and we are to love our neighbor as we love ourselves.  On these two laws hinge all the laws of all the prophets.

So, the key for me is how to love myself.

I have started by taking time to thank God for what I like about myself and then telling myself I love that about me.  This is very difficult but I am making some progress.

I have decided today to start each day with the question. “What can I do for myself today that will prove to me I love myself?”

I’ll keep you posted on my progress.

MY PROGRESS

WOW, it is December 7. 2004 and I have just reviewed what I wrote to a friend about my healing journey and especially about my eyes.  This was just after I discovered I was legally blind.  I first wrote those words on December 12, 2002. So much has happened since then.

I continued to search for a way to heal my eyes without surgery.  My birthday passed that December and with it the ability to continue to drive.   Fear still had a major grip on my life.

I began experiencing light flashes and by springtime I accepted the fact that God heals through many methods and cataract surgery was indeed a miracle. Since I had such a fear of it perhaps I should face the fear.

An appointment with the surgeon resulted in the need for surgery on the retina before the surgery on the cataract.   That was a real shock.  I had to undergo two surgeries instead of just one.

The retina surgery was on an outpatient basis but was rather painful.  One month later the cataract surgery was performed in a day surgery clinic.

It was difficult due to the denseness of the cataracts. It was five days before I could see out of that eye clearly, but what an amazing miracle.  I had perfect distance vision out of that eye.

I took a week off from work to let the eye heal some.  The first day back the unthinkable happened.  My vision began to change.  It was late in the day and I could not get an appointment with my doctor until the next morning.

I knew something terrible had happened.  I asked my husband to take me to the river.  I remember sitting on a rock and visualizing myself laying the bottom of a boat wrapped in a blanket letting the river carry me wherever I needed to go.  I surrendered to God’s will.

The next morning my doctor informed me my retina had detached and I was rushed to a retina specialist.  In less than 24 hours I was in surgery again. This surgery was in a hospital operating room for sic and a half hours.  The retina specialist re built my eye and placed an air bubble in it in an effort to restore my sight.

The air bubble required that I stay in bed on my right side with my nose to the ground for fourteen days.  I was allowed up only five minutes per hour at which time my chin was on my chest and my nose to the ground.  After that it was several weeks before I could read or watch TV.

Sometime during my recovery I realized I was acting like a blind person.
I wrote these words to a friend.

I have dealt with an inner emotional roller coaster and mind chatter that could kill anyone.  The battle that has been most difficult has not been the physical one, but the mental one.  The one no one really knows about; the secret part of you that slowly milks all the life and energy out of you and convinces you that you are blind when you are not; that things are impossible when they are not;  that life is hopeless when it is not. Until one day you realize that you are dead but your body is still alive.  What died is your spirit all because it believed all the negative mind chatter you never learned to change.

I began a major campaign to wipe fear and all negative thoughts from my mind and life.  I spent hours, days, weeks and months repeating affirmations and training myself to look for the good in life and live in the present moment.  I forced myself to face every fear as it showed itself and prove it wrong.

I am not sure when I noticed I was spending more energy thinking about good things.  But, somewhere along the journey fear gave way to faith, self hate gave way to self-love, and I am spending most of my time with joy and peace.

The loss of my sight restored my vision and I experienced the true healing of my spirit.

Read Full Post »

Take The First Step

Why is it when we have a great idea we either take forever to get started or we never even take the first step?

I had the idea for these lessons, teleclasses and mentoring a couple of years ago.  I thought I was ready to make the big plunge and get started.  So last month I signed up with WordPress and began to put the framework together.

When it came to writing my first post I was paralyzed.

I got in touch with an old belief I was still clinging to and began working on letting it go.  That process is a huge part of my daily spiritual practice and helps me move forward.

Then I began telling myself I would wait until I was ready, had all the answers, knew what I was talking about, etc.  Sound familiar?

Fear wanted to stop me.  Now I know I have a choice, so I decided to step past my old fears and beliefs and just start today.

I am not entirely sure where this is going.

I know it will offer me a place to write down what I am learning on my inner spiritual journey.  That process will help me clarify the things I am learning.

Perhaps you will be encouraged by what you read.  I would like to think you would be inspired to deepen your own spiritual experience.

Above all I want you to know and feel the power of true unconditional love that is God in us.

I look forward to getting to know you better as we share the truth, as we know it.

Thanks for stopping by.  Do come again.

Penny

Read Full Post »